The Plight of a Perfectionist Mentality:
- Dani Jennings
- Apr 26, 2024
- 7 min read
Would you rather: 1) Want to live life to the fullest, embracing the ebbs and flows of the inevitable unknown, accepting people for who they are, including their unique flaws, sometimes having to bounce back from getting hurt while being vulnerable and trusting; or, 2) Want to live life as optimally as possible, 24/7, with no tolerance for potential mishaps, seeking constant control over the world and people around you, and unintentionally attempting to implement your beliefs, values, and priorities onto others?
This might seem like a ridiculously easy question to answer, but if you're like me and get temporarily trapped in a perfectionist mindset, #2 is the preferred way to live life... and I will explain why.
I've observed that as I've grown older, I tend to latch onto a perfectionist mentality for certain aspects in my life. I feel like I subconsciously expect myself, strangers, and the people closest to me to be perfect (most, if not) at all times. To preface, I actually used to identify with having a more relaxed mindset - I trusted everyone until they gave me a reason not to (and to lose my trust had to take a tragic situation). I gave people the benefit of the doubt (even when the doubt was staring me straight in the face), let those who hurt me back into my life, and ignored red flags I perceived about someone or a situation. However, I noticed I kept getting hurt, and I felt helpless that I let someone else treat me less than how I knew I should've been treated. This passive attitude in a way transformed into a defeatist mentality, where I thought I should always prepare for and expect the worst outcome (in turn, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy).
I thought I was supposed to accept people's flaws and when situations didn't go my way, so I didn't know how to draw a boundary line between "How can I tell them they've hurt me? This is just who they are., I can't change them so I will just keep being let down by them", and "You have the right to feel hurt by them so maybe take control before something bad could happen again. You can try to change them into someone who fits your ideas better." I didn't realize there was a sweet middle ground between feeling helpless, and the hypervigilant need for perfection (those with OCD or those with perfectionist mindsets often have black and white outlooks on life). I took the perfectionist route; I felt like if I held everyone around me to the highest standards, I could fully control almost any situation or person (which is very common for those with OCD and/or OCPD) so I would never be caught off-guard, hurt, or wind up in a poor situation again. And no, not control as in manipulate or puppet, but control as in predict, mold, influence for the best.
After all, life is so precious, so I want to live life as optimally as possible, right? However, exceptionally higher expectations, higher standards, and a rigid mindset is a formula to be let down more frequently! In addition, I assumed every person close to me must have the same integrity, morality, intelligence, values, priorities, personality, and intentions as me - why else would we be in each other's lives? I started taking people's differences from me in a pessimistic way, and I could be skeptical of others' intentions. I tried to control the world around me in my mind - mostly through magical thinking (e.g., If I think about this hard enough it will come true.) which works 0% of the time, unless there is a coincidence. I just wanted everything and everyone to be perfect in my eyes all the time.
The American Psychological Association's (APA) definition of a perfectionist is, "[one who has] tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation."
The problem with having a perfectionist mindset is that perfectionists are unable to adapt to changes or errors. If something is not up to their unachievable, specific standards, there will be an adverse reaction. Perfectionism can reach an pretty granular level too. Speaking from experience, the following situations triggered my perfectionism and caused me to feel some level of disgruntled:
Someone texted me without an emoji (that I secretly hoped to receive) so I immediately felt something was "off".
A restaurant I was supposed to visit with my family was unexpectedly closed, and even though I was in no way attached to that restaurant, and there were a plethora of other restaurants down the road, I felt like my dinner was ruined because I already planned out how dinner would go!
I predicted my coffee would be around $6.00 but it was $8.00+, so I felt like I let myself down because I'm clearly wasting my money and going to cause myself to go in debt one day and... (just a glimpse of ruminating over a miniscule event).
I struggled with starting this blog hobby because the fear of failure/imperfection deterred me enough to not even begin to attempt it.
When people expect perfection from others, the world around them, themselves (which is typically the route of the problem), they are more likely and more frequently going to be disappointed than people who accept life's imperfections. Perfectionism can appear to be a great motivator in life, but expecting everything in life to be perfect adds extra unneeded pressure to yourself and others, as well as creates an undistinguishable wedge between your irrational, perfectionist mind and imperfect reality. The reality is, no one or nothing will ever come close to always meeting your standards or expectations. Keep in mind you cannot always meet your own expectations either. We are not perfect beings and never will be; someone's "perfect" could be someone else's nightmare, or someone else's bare minimum... or, not even in the same ballpark as their "perfect"!
You should want to be treated fairly, you should want for things to hopefully go your way, you should want to have good interactions with others, you should want to experience amazing moments in life. There's nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself. Perfectionism mimics this basic human desire, but takes these wants as a need. I need to be treated fairly (all of the time), I need everything to go well for me (all of the time), I need to have positive interactions with others (all of the time), I need to feel happiness (constantly). Why? Because like I stated earlier, perfectionism cannot handle imperfection or feeling out of control, so it needs to fulfill those needs immediately and frequently to keep the peace in your mind. Remember, perfectionism gives you the illusion of control. It tells you the more you plan out your interactions, predict your life events, harbor or manifest perfectness in all areas of life, and practice going through various reactions from people, the more prepared you will be for life.
It is difficult to accept how little control one person has over the world around them. It can seem overwhelmingly impossible to have things go your way with such a lack of control, but that's the catch, that's where you pause. You do not need control over everything in life. It is okay to know and accept that people will not meet every single one of your expectations and standards at all times. Your surroundings and the people in your life are constantly changing (including yourself), so there is no logical way to predict your future in such granular detail.
The more you can accept that life and the people in it are unpredictable, but that unexpected changes and imperfections should not always be scary, the more you can handle the ebbs and flows of life. We are all imperfect people living in a way-less-than perfect world. And unfortunately, there will inevitably be times where people, situations, and life events are simply unfair. Sometimes unjust things happen to people who do not deserve it. Sometimes, there is no way to predict the outlandish things that can happen in this world, and that's okay too - it's what makes life interesting and worth living.
If you feel yourself succumbing to a perfectionist mentality, try to remember or do the following:
The first step is to identify your distorted thinking. Recognize what type of cognitive distortion you are thinking with.
Typically, perfectionism is associated with black-and-white thinking (i.e., dichotomous thinking) and/or catastrophizing.
Remind yourself how you have gotten through imperfections in the past. Did you survive? Was it actually the "end of the world"?
Often times. perfectionists' minds are afraid of veering off its rigid course because they believe they cannot healthily handle the feared event or outcome.
Make yourself fail (or go into something with the mindset that not everything will go to plan). This might sound counterintuitive, but forcing yourself to fail at something can help condition your mind to more easily accept imperfection.
When I first tried candle making, I expected to make no mistakes. The instructions were right there, I had all of the recommended materials, how could I mess this up? That was a perfectionist, pressured mindset, and took out the fun aspect due to my fear of failure. Instead, I should have looked at the event as a new, creative hobby I've never attempted before, and I can always grow to improve.
Readjust your own expectation and standards for yourself, life, and others. I encourage you to physically write down a list of these expectations, and reflect on if they are practical or not.
When I read out loud that someone not sending me an emoji caused me to feel upset, it brought me down from ruminating and into the real world. Sometimes we can get stuck inside the distortions of our own head.
(Not the most clinical antidote, but) Don't take life too seriously! Try to embody going with the flow more, and realize how much of life is unpredictable.
Do you consider yourself to have perfectionist tendencies?
Yes, perfectionism affects most aspects in life
Yes, but perfectionism only affects certain aspects in life
No, I cannot relate to perfectionism
Helpful Resources on Perfectionism
Perfectionism: When good is never good enough
One of my favorite podcasts - Speaking of Psychology by The American Psychological Association (APA)
15 worksheets/activities to practice on your own
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